Homecoming Message 2014

It’s been 9 years now and I never really know how much longer I should do these Homecoming Messages. I am rEMinded of a quote that goes “the one thing I have learned about life is that it goes on”, and so it does. For most that are not experiencing grief, it truly does. For those of us who have loss so tragic that the hole left behind is so gaping, I would say it just takes on a different form, a whole new path of a new life required to somehow find your way, one that continues to be extremely hard to navigate. So with this being the 9th year that I write these, I just have to wonder how many truly read these and log on to EM’s site. Because of the way that her yearly tournaments are attended, I have decided to write one yet again but mostly these messages are for those who find themselves in a similar position and for those that have kept us close and have been faithful, loyal and never wavered and have been in the trenches with us, and also for those random people from all over that we hear from that stumble upon our story; these messages are for you. The writings I do have never been about me and thoughts or expressions within them do not soothe me in some way. Quite the contrary…to me they are that “in your face” reality just what the message is about… the loss of our beloved daughter and the battle to survive the many years without her. In some ways, these messages feel like just a natural step toward a larger calling that has always seemed to be part of our new purpose. Just as the day after our worst nightmare occurred when we were leaving the hospital, there was an overwhelming feeling that our situation was going to be used in many ways, and in most cases never be seen until our first steps in Heaven. I didn’t like it, despised it really, but strongly felt it. It always seemed like there was just so much more to EM’s story that God would continue to write long after she had gone Home. I can still remEMber when I felt it and what song was playing on the radio as we headed east towards home. There was no way I could have imagined what the crippling grief would be like or what God had for us and our future. Nor could we have guessed what He would do in and through EM’s life and now her death.. but there was one thing I knew and that was that God was still sovereign and whether I lived through it or not, He was with me and I would be obedient to His calling upon my life. And so I continue to share, and continue to write….all these years later… until God removes it from my heart.

We are now 9 years in and I must say that as much goodness as I’ve seen, I also have recently found myself experiencing some quiet anger. I’ve never really been “angry” with our situation strangely enough. Who are we to think we are above such things? And there was always that undeniable feeling that God was at work in things bigger than our circumstance. It never seemed right to shake my fist in God’s face (though He could take it and understand it if we did) and say “How dare you!”. I always felt blessed beyond measure that He thought of us enough to give us such precious gifts, if even for a time. As I have reflected lately, the anger that seems to have surfaced is more about those that have hurt us. I’m not sure why the feelings have boiled up other than possibly because the lack of compassion that one sees in the midst of such heartache is inconceivable to me. But I acknowledge that it is there. Maybe it’s that I never had the strength to take it on and work through it. I also try not to let my “flesh” (the nasty parts of me) get carried away because I know that God’s grace is just as sufficient for those who have betrayed us, harmed us or hurled disrespect our way as it is for me that has regretfully done harm to others unknowingly. I think the difference is that those of us that continue to do battle are far more fragile than those who build up tolerances and defenses against those that show a lack of humility, understanding or insight to the constant pain that we still face on a daily basis. This is where the anger rises up. I don’t openly share this hoping for any real resolution but only to be honest in showing light to a dark place that exists and another dimension to the complications of grief. We all experience injustices and unforgiveness in some respects and it’s all part of living in a severely broken world. As much as my mind knows all of this, it’s still hard for the heart to accept. So it’s during this realization that I have to remEMber that though this world is not without heartache, Christ has overcome this world. He has told us that this life would be full of disappointments but He further promised He would be with us through them. I must say that even if that was the ONLY thing He promised then I would want to be one of His followers for sure. I’m just glad I “signed up” a long time ago to walk this life with Him and share in His promises. I thankfully experience His grace and mercy, and will one day share eternal life with my Jesus, our sweet Lou, and a host of others that I have loved and lost.

Along with the saying “life goes on”…there is also this saying…. “it takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow“….and yes, there has been PLENTY of rain in life, but this year has brought the sun as well. We have had the pleasure of watching our daughter Sarah make huge strides in her own life and there has been such a peace and happiness that now exudes from her and joy is now more prevalent than sorrow. She and Adam celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary, and have bought a lovely home. They definitely have “launched” and the apron strings that seemed still loosely attached have been cut and our daughter is definitely the mother of her own nest with her own precious littles/peeps and they are soaring! They are incredible parents and have such happy children. Parenthood certainly agrees with them. She is also close to completion of her Masters degree and is in her 5th year of teaching high school in Caledonia. She recently accepted a position to help a few evenings a week as a dance instructor which has always been a love of hers. They have also finished their cabin project which will bring about many mEMories for their family and their 2 sons bring more joy into our families lives than we could ever imagined experiencing!! It is really quite wonderful that the Lord made us capable of containing and feeling multiple EMotions at the same time. Along with the changes in Sar’s life ours too is changing. We are selling our ice cream business that we have loved but are looking SO forward to having our summers back and the freedom to indulge in projects around our home and with friendships. Along with that I have entertained the thought that one day, I would write a book, mostly because so many have encouraged me to do this. It would be honest with nothing left unsaid about EM’s accident, her hospital stay, her leaving, and the broken road we traveled there after. It would have be a painfully honest look into our own personal grief and all that accompanies it…. relationally, emotionally, physically, the anger, the grace, a what not to do list ….you name it. I had told God that if He wanted me to do this, He would have to sell the business. He has done that recently and I too will be faithful in doing what He may have been in the making of doing for all these years. My prayer is that it would give insight to educating people on grief and the many facets of it. We shall see.

And with all that is changing….still this week brings back the same ole….same ole feelings. I had made plans months ago on how I would handle going through it. If the past is any indication of the future then I have come to know that hell week always proves to be the most painful. With this time of year, the awful mEMories rear their ugly head and I had decided that this year I would take try to combat it head on and fill the days with busyness to occupy that space. The mEMories rush through like a broken dam with flooding waters and every minute of “hell week” is still vivid. I had booked an ice cream party this year for Oct. 4, and Jeff, even 9 years later was still doing the coaching thing on that day. This year coaching Varsity Volleyball instead of 7th grade basketball, but still coaching none-the-less. As I left the event at 5:00 this past Saturday and I was mindful that at 5:04 nine years ago EM made her last phone call. As I drove to our beloved friends, Kellie and Clair Rowland, to spend the evening with them, I was remEMbering the minute by minute events that happened 9 years ago. It’s just what my mind does. Some things you just can’t erase. You can plan on how to face them but you can never shut off the mind and the mEMories that invade. I remEMbered the phone call, the driving to the scene, what a saw when I got there, the areo-med chopper, etc. The evening with our treasured friends was a great place to be for they loved our EM so much. (Kellie was one of the last ones to see EM before the coma was induced and also spoke at her funeral so being with them on a night full of rEMinders felt right.) During the evening nothing was said about the events of 9 years ago, but we spent it talking about everything under the sun, much of what was happy mEMories, but throughout the evening there were moments when my mind would take a quick detour and I would remEMber the conversations with EM in the emergency room prior to the surgery in hopes of repairing her spine, or flashes of faces congregating in the waiting room. As I endure the rest of the week and the sand goes through the proverbial hour glass to close out yet another Homecoming week, I know that much of what I experienced in the last 9 years will be done again, like visiting the accident site, buying a wreath and flowers, and lighting a candle for the week to represent her battle to stay with us. And when this message finally posts, I will likely be by myself in Ohio at an art show selling pieces of our families handiwork that started years ago when Emily was 4 and Sarah was 6 years old. Most of the pieces we do will resonate with others that trudge through their own struggles and this too has become somewhat of this new calling on our lives. Handiwork that reads things like “Lord, help me remember that nothing can happen to me today that together you and I can’t handle”, or “Perhaps they are not stars in the sky but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy”, or “People cry not because they are weak but rather because they have been strong for far too long”, and a host of others that seem to evoke something in the hearts of those who read them or bring some comfort to others. I’m always surprised at the number of pieces we sell and I’m even more amazed that so many people share their own struggles with me. We have felt God using us in this way and maybe again it’s His way of providing for us and encouraging others because we really do understand. It’s not how I would necessarily like to spend “that” day but it’s a plan to make it through yet another.

I certainly miss different parts of my “old life” like working at the school and the friendships there and the precious children. There were circumstances and an awkward situation that I would have found myself in had I returned to work at West El after the accident and that prohibited me from returning to my previous job. So I picked my needle again, started working on the handiwork from years prior and also began caring for the new little loves in my life with the children that God has placed in my care, and I wonder if maybe its just another part of a new plan…again we shall see. I will forever desperately miss our EM and ALL of the “old life” that we were blessed with, but this is where we are now, still feeling lonely in many ways because of all that was lost. It’s not only the loss of EM’s life (which is too huge in itself to swallow and comprehend) but of the lost possibility of another son-in-law and more grandchildren that may have come through her life that would have expanded our family and it’s joy….or for that matter, all the other good that would have come from her life had this all never happened. We all have choices in life, but many of those choices to be made are not of our own doing. They simply find us and we are left feeling forced to find a new way. I’d like to think that it is where perseverance and character are found. I can only pray that regardless of where we find ourselves that we would ultimately accept a new life and somehow move toward it with great expectation and less resistance. It is not easy but rather one of the hardest things we must do, but in the end we hope to have been deemed faithful. To put it in terms that matter most, if we can put to rest our adored daughter until we are reunited again while our own hearts continue to beat, then we can do this too. We know it will be equally as hard but we must ultimately choose to trust the Lord. If we can do this, I believe we may find that new life after all. I further believe that Christ will go before us on this new journey of uncharted waters and will bestow blessings along the way…yes, even after such tragedy and disabling pain. It’s undoubtedly a new life far different than we would like, but it’s where we might find some hope and a new purpose. Even if that isn’t enough, then we must choose to put our heads down and press forward because EM would want a little slice of happiness for us this side of Heaven and I’m sure is rooting for our faithfulness to the Father in ALL things. For those reasons alone, we shall follow God’s lead through this life and into the next.

Our love to all of you who visit this site and for always remEMbering!

Jeff and Selena Duits