Homecoming Message 2012

To prefix this years Homecoming Messages, I’d like to say that these messages that I have written for 7 years now, comes from a place of wanting to keep so many of you apprized on what happens to be on my heart with each passing year. I am always amazed that people actually seem to read them and the number of comments I receive about them. Though I have asked Jeff to consider writing one, he leaves that up to me. I guess though he would probably agree on most of what I write from a parents stand point; though to him, he doesn’t get as caught up with what time of year it is. I think it’s partially “a guy thing” and partially that this time of year is yet another day in the life. “Hell week” doesn’t have as much significance, it’s just another week without EM to him. To a mom, we seem to relive and reflect and feel the pain of “when everything changed”. These messages do nothing to ease my pain. It’s not that they are therapeutic in any way other than I feel a bit comforted that so many people seem to care what I may have to say and visit EM’s site more often during this time of year. I am further amazed at the people who have stumbled on EM’s site that had never got the pleasure of meeting her but find a sense of “real” in what is shared on her site. When “it” first happened, I looked high and low for something that I could identify with. The books on grief that I read seemed to have no depth and didn’t share the awful truths of what grief can do. I wanted to know if anybody else felt like I did and if I would ever enter the world again or if I was always going to just be a shell of a person on the edge of a breakdown…..basically, I wanted to know if there is any HOPE after such a devastating loss. These messages are for that purpose, to be real in case someone stumbles on here and needs a dose of “real” and points them to where we have found our Hope. But mostly, the messages are written for those of you who continue to care so much for our EM (and for us) and because we see your love for our EM that rEMains. The messages are therefore written because so many times, I feel that we are in this thing, this thing called life, together. Life in general can be amazing and life can also be difficult to bear to times. We have been called to a great deal of suffering in our life now and hopefully, because of it, God may choose to use us to assist those that may find themselves in times of struggle. (2 Corinthians 1:3-7, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the same comfort we ourselves have received”.) I guess this is now part of our story and we hope to be faithful in what we have experienced.

Another verse comes to mind. One that I’ve loved even “before”. As I looked it up I had to kind of smile at my own written remarks in my Bible. The verse is 1 Peter 4:12 and it goes “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” (and yes, someday, we will be overjoyed!) But in the margin, I have written “2011, I’m trying to live beyond the grief”. And it goes on later in that chapter in verse 19.… “So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good”….and I have written in the margin on the next page where this verse appears “still trying!! 2011, and I’m still trying and probably will die trying!”J So with that being said, I hope we can look at our lives, look beyond the heartache, (though it is a part of who we are now), and be thankful and …..FAITHFUL….no matter what!! My wish for us would be to stay in a place of gratefulness for the past and for things yet to come. And be appreciative because of the blessing we have in our midst and have had along the way, but also be mindful of the hurts that others endure and ultimately be compassionate people. And remEMber that before we judge, consider that everyone travels their own path, they live their own sorrow, doubts, laughter and pain, and……

RemEMber that everyone has a story. Here is a part of ours, …….2012’s Homecoming Message.

Homecoming Message

As I begin this years Homecoming Message it is very apparent “how much difference a day makes”. Yesterday was October 4th and it was a day much like “that day” was 7 years ago. It was 70+ degrees, beautiful with the fall colors and EM met me at the middle school in her holey jeans and a tank top with her turquoise bra strap hanging out where she handed me her application to a retreat that everyone in our family (Jeff, myself, Sar and Adam, (and even Grandma Joyce and Grandma Townsend)) had attended that she was SO anxious to attend, before leaving in a car with a classmate. The application was for a weekend that she was hoping to attend at the end of the month where you are there to learn and experience more about Jesus and the deep love He feels for us and experiencing “agape” love of fellow believers. The adult version is called Emmaus (based on the bible story of the Emmaus road where Jesus hangs out with friends after His resurrection) and the teen version is called Chrysalis. And then today, there is gloom, chill and barely 50 degrees, and it feels even colder in my bones during this time of year. We can go through life, cruising along, enjoying the good gifts God gives and then…….well…..what a difference a day makes!

7 years!! I still find myself shaking my head in disbelief. Still trying to find a new normal, still wondering if this is my life or if I am STILL living a nightmare and, if it really is true, then how on earth have we/EM’s family survived? In my heart, I know its true. I still feel physically like I can’t get a good breath. I continue to feel the heartache and grief every minute of every day but there seems to be miles of distance between my heart knowledge and my head and what it can really comprehend. The distance between the two may be shortening because I am getting a tiny bit more accustomed to this new way of living without EM, though she is very much a part of my everyday. I still awake thinking “ok, here we go….another day. I can do this!” And the day ends with me clutching the bear that Dana gave her in the hospital that was one of the last things she touched along with her baby blanket that she affectionately called “Rudy”. “Rudy” was torn in half before we said our last goodbyes. Half went with her, and half is between Jeff’s and my pillow. I reach for it at the end of every day, take a deep breath in and pretend it still smells like her. This is my ritual, every morning, and every night and then I pray one more time for my family before hopefully falling asleep quickly so I don’t have to think. For a long time, her bed brought me comfort and I could still smell her and the sheets that had a hint of bonfires that she had attended the weekend before that dreaded Tuesday when life changed forever. Now there is no longer the scent and we have since turned off the heater to her bed. I think turning the heater off along with having her phone service removed was one of the hardest things for me to do in the years after she went Home. It was a cold hard fact that she wouldn’t ever be returning to the warmth of her bed and the comfort of her home for that matter; and she would no longer have the phone attached to her ear, although that same phone that is decorated with glitter paint still rEMains on our kitchen counter. And in between my rising up and my lying down each day, EM, Sar, Adam and Rydik and Ro, are still constants in my thoughts. The motherly thing in me does not turn off.

My thoughts have changed in regards to EM though. As a mom I was always in constant prayer for my children. I don’t pray for EM, she’s good. No need to pray anymore. She’s Home, safe and whole. When I pray to Jesus, I always tell Him to tell her how much we miss her and how much she is loved and to assure her that we are all trying to do better because I know she wouldn’t want us to be so sad. I do however pray for the rest of my family daily and sometimes throughout the day, which is also a gradual return to my “prior” life. For several years I couldn’t muster a prayer, other than “please help us”. For a very long time I thought “why pray? God does what He wants to anyway”. Now I am of the understanding that prayers don’t always get answered in the way we want. But rather that prayer should be and is more about having a relationship with Him. Like with every relationship, you must talk and you must listen. Through prayer I can communicate with Him. And I am learning that His ways are not always our ways and I have returned more fully to the thinking and belief that He is sovereign, always has been and always will be and so we must trust.

I think of EM more often in Heavenly form now and picture her too busy for most earthly things. I think so often of how that spring and summer before her accident was, and how she seemed to be rarely at home. She was gone to Grand Rapids at either her Acceleration personal training or at FarOut practices and most weekends she was traveling with the team. Even while in Salt Lake City for Nationals, she awoke early and would be catching the cable car to Park City to do a little shopping or have some breakfast with her beloved teammates. They would be off to the ski lifts or to Olympic Village before their scheduled game time. Though we were there, it was hard to keep up with her and I remEMber being a bit lonely for her to spend some vacation time with her family. And while at home, she would be attending someone’s bonfire or party, or maybe the movies at Lowell, or she’d be at someone’s house, or them at ours, or on her way to a sports event of some sort or youth group event. I often think that maybe she was packing it all in, cramming as much in a day (or life….) as she could. And though she lived her life like that, not only in the last 9 months, she was like that pretty much every day of her 16 years. Wanting to go tubing (even at a young age of 5), wanting to go hunting with her dad, making up dances with Sar, play school and beauty shop with Sar, swinging on the willow tree branches, trampoline during every season, learning to ride a 2 wheeler at full speed at 4, etc, etc. Everything was full speed ahead with never time to be sad about anything. She certainly lived her life with the concept of the glass always being full, not half full but always full! I often wonder if unknowingly she lived that way because her time here was going to be so short. I picture her living much the same way in Heaven and I picture her living life there even more fully than she lived it here and experiencing beauty and music that we only get glimpses of here. I picture her playing volleyball with perfect sets, much like she was use to here with ChelsJ, on beautiful beaches along crystal seas. I picture her having only smiles and bouncy curls and being excited while preparing for our arrival, and taking moments to talk to Jesus about us. I picture her talking to and meeting so many, dancing, experiencing rainbows and waterfalls everyday, and basically every good thing she enjoyed here times a million. Those thoughts have taken precedence over the mEMories of volleyball games, high school activities and the invasion of tragic remembrances of the happenings and trials of hell week 7 years ago.

The bad thoughts… those don’t come as often, mostly this time of year where the mind goes there with every day and what we were experiencing with each hour that painfully passed that week. I’m not too proud to say that we can use your prayers, even after all this time, especially during this week! I don’t know why our minds do things like this to us. As much as I try to turn off those thoughts, they still come and I relive ever moment. Last night, I was remEMbering the surgical lounge and all the faithful, prayerful people there and how we waited for them to repair EM’s disabling break and how at the time we were still so hopeful. Today, I relived the happening of Oct. 5 and the conversations with EM and tomorrow, if the past years are any indication, I will do the same tomorrow and the next day, and every day until October 15 (the day of the funeral) and then slowly, ever so slowly, I will re-enter my new normal, what ever that is. I’m still trying to piece that together. As each day during hell week presents itself, my mind goes there…..To places it has no business returning or reliving, yet it’s the complexity of my mind and trying to make sense of all the happenings. I have come to understand, or at least partially accept, that it is just what I do and maybe it’s my minds way of still trying to come to terms with the reality of our life and maybe little by little, year by year, it’s what it needs to do. Sometimes I’ve even thought “maybe this way is better,” (though very painful) because other wise I think it’s a strong possibility of dabbling with insanity if the mind were to try and make sense of such happenings, the significance of so many decisions having to be made, that never should have had to be made by any parent or family, but yet so many of us do. But as a whole, or beyond this week in October, I do find myself having “graduated” in my thinking when it comes to EM. I picture her, more often than not, in Heaven in perfect form. I picture her easily transferring from one life well lived here on earth to another in Heaven. I don’t think she really ever missed a beat. I know in my soul, and am as sure as one can be without having experienced Heaven, that she is happy and looking expectantly to her family and friends returning to her…..where ultimately we can all go if our hearts are in the right place. I don’t think of her in terms of “if EM was here she would be in so and so’s wedding, or if EM were here she would be doing such and such……those thoughts only come occasionally. I am able to picture her more often where she is now and not where we thought she would be, on a more frequent basis. However, I can’t say I’m totally there all the time. The thing I wish most for is that Sar had her sister and that Rydik and Ro had their aunt and all the things that their lives could have blessed with had she been able to stay. Family vacations just aren’t the same and we are trying to make new mEMories and have plans for some new starts in this area to cope with the void of “how things use to be“. In some ways, change must be made to combat the sorrow. We can’t have family vacations that always feel so sad without our EM. It’s not healthy for our family and we want more for Rydik and Ro. We want to cherish the mEMories of happier times and not always have them clouded by constant sadness while at certain places which were once wonderful. Rydik and Ro will always know of EM. She is part of our family now too. So with that being said, I can only hope and pray that their lives would reflect Emily and that in her physical absence they would know of who she was here and most importantly that she is now in the presence of Christ and strive to be like her in many ways, and ultimately try and mirror who she is in company with. 

Because 7 years have passed, many of Emily’s closest friends have now graduated college, begun new careers, moved to a new state to pursue their next steps in their education and many have gotten married. Many people worry about how we feel when going to these events that EM will never experience. One of our closest friends did not call us when his daughter got engaged because (as he told Jeff)…..(paraphrasing)…“Though I wanted to call you, how could I call and tell you when EM will never get engaged”. As we met for dinner as we often do and really talk to one another about our lives, our struggles and our joys, we were able to convey to them that at this stage in our lives we are able to really be happy for EM’s friends, their families and the things that they are blessed to enjoy. Our deepest grief and most difficult struggles came from attending the events that were associated with high school events that EM would have been a part of like volleyball games, basketball games, high school graduation open houses (that’s why we were not able to attend very many, most times it was just too difficultL), seeing her friends at the wacky woody section without one blonde, curly head, one-of-their-own, with them, was crazy painful. The things we did as her parents and being in attendance at different activities were because of wanting to represent her or be a part of it,….for her, in her absence. Make no mistake, we loved seeing her friends and doing the things that EM loved. It’s a part of who we had become too. And although it was so painful, not seeing her friends or being a part of the activities that were SO her, would have been yet another huge void. It was a double-edged sword. Painful to do, but not doing would have been painful as well. We did what we thought we could do as our strength allowed in those early years. But as time passed, we have attended several of EM’s friends weddings and found that we have enjoyed them very much! We are able to truly celebrate with you and be very happy for the wonderful things that are coming into your lives, and honestly without dread of attending. It’s not without a slight sting because we are always mindful of what we can never experience with EM, but we feel we have made it through the worst when we got through the things that were definitely our EM. We were yet to see what college EM would have attended, what friends she would have rEMained closest with, and the new friendships she would have likely made. All these things were unknown to us. So to those of you who have gotten married, remEMbered EM in your celebrations, in thought or in deed, and invited us to be a part of your celebration, please know that we are completely with you and rejoice with you in the happiness that you are finding in your next steps that this life journey takes you on. We love to see you all and we thank you for including us and may we be an extension of EM to you as she would also be so happy for all the ways in which you are finding joy.

As much as things have changed, make no mistake much has rEMained the same. There are people who say and believe that time heals all things, well, they don’t have a clue! We are 7 years in and it’s still hard as hell and I state it that way because we feel we have fought so hard to get to where we are. It’s been a battle, no doubt about it, but we are slowing progressing to a place where we are able to cope a little better and our strength is increasing. Though the pain is always there, we now seem more capable of experiencing joy and pain simultaneously. Each of us individually as part of EM’s family and as a family together are seemingly carrying on the best we can but it has not always been pretty. If we were to ever write a story of our lives, it wouldn’t be boring by any means but rather intense with much to share and we are all still a work in progress. We have been left behind by some that we would have thought to have been loyal and scooped up and supported by some that are new to our story. There have been many changes and some positives that have happened in our new lives. God has been with us and has been faithful and carried us in so many ways and so many times. We are doing what many would claim to be “okay”. The grief road continues to be bumpy, swervey, slow, an uphill climb, and all encompassing at times, but the road doesn’t end, at least not yet for us. We keep traveling and are enjoying some of the new sights and beauty along the way. Watching Sarah and Adam grow and achieve their goals so young and parent the incredible gifts of grand boys has been a sight to behold! We couldn’t be prouder of who they are becoming….all of them!! We must always be mindful that this life may end, and sometimes sooner than we think. Jeff and I are now approaching 50 years of age and are closer to the end than the beginning……well, typically, one would think. But really, only God knows. My parents say the older they get, the faster time goes and even while experiencing deep heartache, I believe and agree with them. Though none of us know when we will be called Home, we must try to make this journey meaningful and purposeful along the way, and hope and pray and sometimes even take the lead so that others that may be lost can find their way…….. to the road that ultimately leads us to the same destination.

They say that life is not a race but a journey to be traveled and enjoyed. Well,…… in this case,…… I’d say, EM wins!!

Blessings to all of you for caring about us and for continuing to love and remEMber our EM,

Jeff and Selena Duits
Adam, Sarah, Rydik and Rowan Wrubel