Homecoming Message 2011

It’s hard to believe that it is “that time of year again”. Time is a crazy thing and much can happen in a year’s time, and also at a moments notice. For us this 6th year seems much like it happened yesterday, as the pain undoubtedly rEMains. It is especially fresh today as it has that similar feel in the air and how this Oct. 4th is a Tuesday much like “that” Tuesday was in 2005. The fact that it is a “Tuesday, Oct. 4th” seems to have hit a little harder and I find myself raw and tearful. Today, I am remEMbering how it was and although I drove right by the high school this morning on my way to do daycare instead of pulling into the school to do a job that I thought I would and retire from, I was mindful that this day, 6 years ago, was the last day I would have drove to school with Em where life was happy, and full and Em was healthy. Everything changed that day. I would no longer have the pleasure of the daily routines or where life consisted of Friday football games, upcoming volleyball tournaments, or future prom dress shopping. Our family had been what they call “living the dream”….one where everything is as it should be and life only had minuscule problems such as girl drama (man, I hated that stuff) or how to make that tuition payment for Sar. Instead, I find myself visiting the accident site and leaving a flower at where the car hit the embankment before going airborne. I don’t always make this tract, but some days, usually once or twice a year, I am unexplainably pulled to that location, to remEMber the spot where Em was whole. When I am there, I am also mindful of the suffering of Christ. Some may think I am “whacked”, but those of you who experience deep grief can totally relate to the kinds of things that we are somehow almost “called to do” to make sense or try to find peace. You that have followed these writings appreciate the honesty I know. So many of the “grief books” simply tell you to plant a tree or make a scrap book. I prefer the real life stories so you know the depths we go through and that we somehow do survive….though it “ain’t always pretty”. On this day, 6 years ago, our world would be changed forever and with it, the persons we knew ourselves to be.

As I ponder the thoughts of what has changed, I think of those that seemingly fly under the radar and nothing eventful, unsettling, traumatic or especially painful seems to come their way. Sure there is possibly the struggle with finances or the car and house repairs that are annoyances, but really they seem to breeze through life without a crushing circumstance and life seems to be nothing more than a party. I am also empathetic to those who most recently are feeling the affects of the world shifting beneath them and they are trying to find their footing. What about the wife who one day is working outside with her best friend and husband of 45 years one minute and finds herself sleeping alone that evening? Or the family who battles with their beloved father and husband for 9 months while he undergoes cancer treatments to find themselves now doing what they loved to do as a family…..minus one….this year? Or the husband who does the unthinkable and behaves in such a way that the family is left with the shaking of their heads and saying “did he just really do this?” Or the young family who after struggling to do the right things and work hard, achieve, and grow their family in the faith is left wondering if they will really be okay after a diagnosis of health issues and life altering decisions coming their way like fiery arrows being shot. Why is it that so many seemingly “good and caring” people suffer so very much?? People of the faith, or people who put family first….and I often hear “Don’t you just feel like life is so unfair?” or the “Why do the people who abuse their kids get to keep theirs” or “how is it that the person who has never worked seemingly has everything they need yet gripes because they don’t have more when I have been anything but lazy and can’t catch a break?” Or the person who feels no remorse after much hurt was caused and carries on as though nothing happened while those that they have hurt are almost begging for a response or a simple “I am sorry for your loss”’ so they to can find a bit of closure? Very recently I have heard such comments come my way from those that hurt and are trying to find some answers to maybe stabilize their concerns and to find some needed answers. I often tell them that I wish I had an answer that would bring some sense to our/their madness. But there is simply no answers this side of Heaven. (and when we get there, I don’t think it will really matter anymore)

I guess the thing that helps any of us that struggle with the “unfair” situations that come our way is the absolute certainty that none of us ever really walks alone. The unfairness that life provides is a matter of life for all who walk this earth no matter what your situation. For those who deal with deep grief, it can feel so lonely and that those that you thought would be there, simply have moved on. I would like to think that all those that loved Em most would still be in our lives, but life goes on for most….this includes many friends and family. I don’t share that as a criticism but as a reality. They will forever remEMber Em but it is different now for them. Their lives move on and our pain rEMains. In this respect, time does stand still for the grieving. We haven’t had the necessary transitions that most deal with. Just a here one day, gone the next… so we seem to hold tightly to the way it use to be because there was a sense a comfort there. Every holiday, every big life event, every day there is a void that doesn’t get replaced by time or circumstances. It’s just the way of life. The moving on of others is very painful and understandable all at the same time! But there are those that God places in our lives so that, between Him and those we know won’t veer from the call on their lives to be a constant support to us, really does sustain us. I also have experienced that same call in my life for others that I know God wants me to walk with. There are many that pray for us faithfully even now and others that have made us a priority of sorts like Sar and Em’s kindergarten teacher sends a card every July and every October without fail. Some of Em’s friends stay in contact and some have now EM’s remembrances with them in the form of some great looking “tats” and others we rarely hear from. There are some that still feel naked without there “remEMber” bracelets and others have no idea where theirs is. There are many random people that God has adorned our life with to help us through and some seem to have ran for the hills. There are the FarOut girls and families that have been a constant and many people that we would have never dreamed have stood by us for the long haul. (I found a quote that rEMinds us of you guys, “Friendship isn’t about who you have known the longest. It’s about who came and never left your side.”) And for those that come each and every year to Em’s tournaments and/or hang out to the bitter end as an offering of support, you too would be included in helping us to never feel alone or abandoned. I think those of us who have lost someone have a tendency to feel a little forsaken because of the gaping hole we have in our hearts. And though we may never find the answers to the unfairness that is somewhat natural to feel, we can hold on to the truth that God doesn’t allow us to walk alone.

I was thinking about those that lost loved ones on Sept. 11th, 2001, and even though the country came together and sported American flags, it must have seemed short lived for them as they have had to wait 10 years for the memorial. They at times undoubtedly felt forgotten. This year was the 10th Anniversary of the attack on the Twin Towers. I’m sure those that have waited this long for a memorial were not disappointed, yet I ache that many of them had nothing to memorialize their loved ones where there were no remains. I was moved and understood the parents that gently “stroked the etched name of their child as if I were touching them or combing their hair.” There is much to be said about the grief and remembrances that was held in their honor. I was captivated by it all. I found it incredible that the architect who designed the waterfall and “voids” was so in tune with the grief of those that had lost loved ones. He seemed to have a very deep understanding which is unusual unless you have endured it. I think it is a rare find to find a person with such empathy. He took special care to put the names of those lost with the names next to relationships that they shared. I think that sometimes the reason I tend to share so much on here is because grief is so hard to explain or for others to understand unless that are confronted with loss themselves. I loved that the representation of the “voids” and how, even though the water continually flows, the “voids” never fill. The same is true with our hearts. Nothing heals, it’s just a empty spot that only our loved ones can fill. I also was moved to tears as each person read the name of the loved one that they lost still experiencing a quivering voice and flowing tears. It was a glimpse into the pain that remains even after 10 years. I’m so happy that they too can finally have a place to go and remember. Most everyone that I have talked to about grief says “they just wish that there loved ones would always be remembered”.

When we “feel” forgotten, I believe it is of the utmost importance to not get into the hole of self pity. We need to muster even more strength than we thought we could possess and pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, so to speak, and focus on God. If we can only try and get a view from the “wider angle” instead of the zoomed in version, that is a MUST as well. I think of where we were in those days of mere survival, when your physical self was spewing with pain…literally….and you couldn’t eat, shower, function and the only thing you could feel was unbearable grief and the only constant in our lives was the waling and shrieks of terror that would erupt from our bodies upon the reality of life without Em. Those days were ones where the analogy of “putting your hand in front of your face in the dark and being unable to see your hand” was how our life was. Only darkness and despair. We seem to have gotten better with the weight of pain, and increased our strength and endurance. Some would call this “healing” but I’m not so sure that is the proper word. Healing to us is only what we will achieve and attain upon arrival in Heaven when the pain of this life will be a distant mEMory. With God’s help, we have been somewhat able to take a little bit of a step back and look at our heartache with the hope that God will indeed do something great through our suffering. We hope that others have been impacted by our Em and that she somehow has inspired them to live a life to the fullest and to humbly walk with God every step of the way. To look for the wide angle view and know that God is capable of doing great things through her life and yes, even her death, (I hate that word!) encourages us to be hopeful and trust God for the rest of the story!

Even this week, our family has taken another blow. It’s been one of those times when we look at each other and say, “Seriously? This can’t be happening!” As Jeff and I talked about this situation, we began to feel….oh, shall we say, sorry for ourselves. Sorry for our family. Then we took a look at our beloved Grandma Townsend. She is 91 years old and has been a model of strength, faith, and love in the midst of experiencing so much loss and still lives in such a way that she is an inspiration. She tends to approach life with a positive attitude and always has a smile. She amazes us! Take a look at the losses she has endured….She lost her mother when she was 4. Was raised by her dad and sister, no step mom. She lost her firstborn daughter. She lived only 12 days. She buried her beloved husband in 1997. Then in 1998, she lost her youngest grandchild, Lucas. Then in 2002, she lost her son-in-law (Lucas’s dad), Jeff. Then in 2003, another son-in-law, Terry. Then in 2005, her great-granddaughter, our Em. Even as I am typing this, I am filled with such sadness at the loss of precious life she has endured. She talks freely about it and yet has this unbelievable ability to enjoy all that she has here and I’ve never known her to question God’s sovereignty or “shake her fist” at Him so to speak. I want to be like her when I grow up! (without the loss of course) The thought of her and all that she had endured allowed Jeff and I to change our attitude and focus on getting through this next obstacle and enjoying what we have in our midst and not focus totally on any negative that has come our family’s way.

We do have much to be grateful for and we keep a thankful heart!! Yes, 2 such hearts can exist at the same time, a thankful/broken heart all at the same time. It is so weird how God creates such unbelievable emotions within us. Sar is loving her job as a 2nd year teacher at Caledonia High School and Adam landed a job 2 years ago in his field as a geologist. Many college grads haven’t experienced being so fortunate. We also have our grandsons, our Rydik Jeffrey (Skuut we call him) is now 3 ½ and keeps us experiencing laughter. At church the other day, there was a picture of Christ on the Cross. And he says…“Grandma, where is Jesus’ shirt?”. He always makes us smile with such profound questions. And then there is our Rowan Maddox (we call him RO-man) who is almost 5 months and is a bundle of toothless smiles and chubby legs that I can’t keep my hands off and has chubby cheeks that beg me to kiss them every 2 seconds. They all bring unspeakable joy into our lives and happiness that we thought we would never feel again. Of course, we wish upon wish that our family was whole, but we will embrace the goodness God gives and appreciate such amazing gifts.

The movie “Facing the Giants” has this one scene, where the football player is asked to carry another player on his back while blindfolded. The player is struggling with his footing and the weight of the other player. He continued to ask his coach “how much farther? Can I stop yet?” The coach tells him to keep going, a step at a time. The player now experiencing crippling pain and fatigue, begs his coach to allow him to stop and take his blindfold off, and get the player off his back. He says “I just can’t go any further. It’s too heavy. I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t do it.” That is exactly how we all feel sometimes. The weight of life, the struggle to put one foot in front of the other, the heaviness of grief and life’s trials, disappointments and devastating blows. Finally, the young player stumbles and collapses and is crying. He says to his coach, “I just couldn’t do it any longer”. The coach says “You did good. Now take off your blindfold”. And you can probably guess the ending of this feel good movie and great parallel to this life. Yep……He had made it to the goal line!! Somehow, some way, with the weight of the world, crippling grief, facing unknowns and heart breaking prognosis‘, not knowing where you are going or where you may end up….the moral of the movie and of life…..just keep going and one day you too will be at the goal line! Enjoy the game, and after it’s over it will be what they call “Ballgame!!” From then on, it’s all good!

Thank you to all that have come to Em’s site and read this Homecoming Message. I certainly wish it wasn’t what God has asked of me but I thank you for your caring and as always, Thank you for remEMbering!!

May the Lord….. expand your joy, soften your grief, lessen your hurts, increase your gifts, sustain you with the knowledge that you are never alone and bless you with eternal life through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen!

Much love,
The Duits and Wrubel families