•2022•
Thank you for visiting Emily's website. Below is a much overdue update on our journey. lt's been a very long time since l've allowed myself to go deep and do one. When our world went dark and upside down almost 1,7 years ago, I tried to find any book, any website, anything really, to find some truth on this broken life we were now facing! and living in. I wanted truth, words from the trenches, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I didn't want the fluff. I wanted real emotion, with all the rawness that might help me determine how I might handle this grief and how I might learn to live again and if it was even possible. Because quite honestly, my mind and body were showing me differently. You know...the give it to me straight and shake it all down and give me tools to rebuild a broken life or even speak to me about such impossibilities so that if I mustered enough strength and tried and failed, I wouldn't be disappointed or devastated. l've read books, viewed other websites and met other parents who also were reeling. I found there is a lot written in the initial battle but rarely an update on how it all turns out after years of struggle. Quite honestly, I never found a book that communicated ALL the nasty truths, that l, myself was experiencing. Maybe it was too private, and they held that in the secret parts of their being or maybe I was the only one who felt I was dying from the inside out. Literally. I vowed early on to not be like that where they only talk about being on edge of the pit but not the wallowing in it, where early on there seemed to be no escape and very little light. I hoped to share those depths AND the crawling, clawing out. But guess I kind of have been neglectful in this. New life happens and we try to leave the painful behind. Someday, in God's timing I will bare it all but for now this is my attempt to rectify that and give a brief update. To God be the Glory for the great things He has done.
I really thought that there would be some significant shift when the day came that Emily would have been gone longer than we had her. I was bracing for that dreaded day and one of those tidal waves of emotion that seem to come out to take me down for the count. But that day came and went last October with no real episode. I was pleasantly surprised at this good fortune. I took a lot of time to ponder this, and half expected it would rear its ugliness and strike when I least expected it any time now. But the ground has yet to shake and open up and swallow me whole. The dreaded significance of the"time shift"(as l call it), has happened and so far, nothing. Not that those horrible, rotten, very bad days won't still come again. l've been at this long enough to know they don't ever disappear completely, but there was not this huge downward spiral that I was anticipating at that juncture. lt was all such an odd concept to me that there would come a day when Emily would have been in her heavenly home longer than here physically, in our midst with us. I mean you never really believe such a situation can happen to you; until it does. There are certain days of dread but this one passed with ease.
The truth of the matter is that I believe we, for the most part, have let TIME take its rightful place and allowed ourselves to feel every emotion and "go there" along this journey. We've been patient with God and surrendered to His will in our life, whether we like it or not. I don't think we have rushed the process or tried to bypass any wound. Wounds need lots of savve and lots of time. We've also learned that some wounds never heal this side of Heaven. We've been accepting of how each in our little family needs to handle their own unique journey of grief and not put unattainable pressures to have an expedited healing. We've been mindful of what we can and can not do and which people are most beneficial in our lives. The ones who hold us close to their chest and deep in their hearts. And.. those who should stay on the outskirts. lt's been a hard concept to learn but for me, it's had to be a very deliberate selection because I know of my own fragility. Some may say how different I am. Don't I know it. l feel it everyday. All the more reason to be surrounded by people who "get" and accept the new me and have never backed away and stayed engaged. We are more than blessed to have so many.
Some have likely spoke negatively about it. We used to get the "you must be doing well by now right?" Nope. Not so much. I believe it's simply because they do not understand the process. Lucky for them. Seriously. We are doing well now but it takes a very, very long time. We've adjusted. You can't rush grief or life's deepest pains like loss, betrayal, divorce, mental and physical suffering or a host of other things that plague us. For the most part, I think we have done better with grief, over time and made unbelievable, great strides. We have maintained a healthy marriage and sought God at every turn. We have put ourselves in church most every Sunday to be spoon-fed the Bible to feed our starving souls, mostly because we were too depleted to study and search for ourselves like we needed. We've stood and worshipped when we didn't want to sing in hopes that the spirit might intervene, and that we might feel thankful and encouraged. l've had the blessed opportunity to have kids/babies from family friends in my life that filled the mothering role that went silent far too quickly. This sustained me at a crucial time. Sar and Adam have shared their own lives and their boys with us fully and not been stingy in the least. We've had so many opportunities to travel with them and see many new places. We've witnessed, the joy on Rydik's and Rowan's faces more than most grandparents are privy to. We've held their tiny hands up mountains and waded through waterfalls in some breath-taking places. We've swam in oceans/gulfs and seen the big city lights of Chicago, Vegas and LA together. We've had so many car rides and boat trips and experienced much of life together. How blessed are we?! Who would have ever thought such great things and such heartbreak could be experienced simultaneously?! I often wonder would this all have been possible if Emily were with us. Maybe, but probably not, because our need to be together at every turn would not have been so great. Our whole lives and the direction of it, changed on Oct. 4th/11th. So, I instead relish the unspeakable gift and closeness that we all share. Especially because it is all going so fast, yet again. Just like they say, "don't blink". Our grandson, Rydik is now going into high school, and Rowan into Jr. High. We are yet again approaching another new season and we know that God again will be faithful in our yearning for more time with them as they grow away from us. The firm foundation has been set in our unique relationship with them and so I fear not what comes next.
So, what has changed and what hasn't change'd? Everything and nothing. I still sleep with Emily's bear and her baby blanket still rest between Jeff and my pillow. I still go to the cemetery often, clean and care for her there, Em's phone is still on the counter, mousse in the bathroom and spandex in her drawer and uniform hanging in the laundry room. Not a lot of other things of hers remain but there are still reminders of her within our home. At this point we still have her car. The verdict is out on how long that will stay. Somethings you just can't change. lt cuts too deep. The things that have changed are our outlook on life. We take more time for travel and do it now while you have our health. We don't over think or fear the things that most people do as they seem irrelevant to us because we have already lost so much. Another life change has me working at a job that I never saw coming. God did. lt has been a great fit for me and occupies much of my life in a good way. lt keeps me focused and learning. I am needed and appreciated, and they are so good to me. lt gives me purpose again and provides a way into an enjoyable retirement in a few years. Also, the last several years I have been trying to honor my aging parents with giving them care and time in their aging process. I strive to live a life with no regrets and know that time with them is fleeing, like with all of us for that matter, My beloved dad passed away 6 years ago, and my mom remains. They are/were the best. I am fortunate that they have lived into their 80's. An upcoming change is that Jeff is hoping to retire in 2 years and can hunt and fish until is his heart is content. He deserves such peace and pleasure in his life. In addition to working for full time a Meijer for 37 years, he has been back coaching with FarOut Volleyball Club for a few years now. We have recently made upgrades (much of which he has done himself) to our home and we are enjoying that.
I would sum up this update to say, we are good...actually better than I could have ever thought possible. The emptiness and yearning never go away, just like they say. We've become stronger because we've done the work. We haven't always pushed too hard or tried to skim the surface of our pain. We've learned a slow, steady, patient pace. We have allowed God to piece us back together, ever so slowly. Though there may never be parts that fit back like before. Sometimes there is just too much damage, at least from the inside. I would explain to be that we are much stronger in some ways and yet more tender too. We feel deeply for those in crisis. But just like a weightlifter...you work at it; you do hard things and the lifting of the heaviness of life becomes a tiny bit more manageable. You get so you can bear the heavy weight that's been left in the wake of great loss and eventually it carries a bit easier. The weight hasn't changed, just how we have trained to manage the heavy load.
My life verse rEMains true. lt was carved into our cement driveway in 2004, the summer before Em's accident. Ephesians 3:20 "Now Unto Him Who ls Able To Do Immeasurable More Than We Can Ask Or lmagine". He has done that; way more than we could have ever imagined. Hrs promises are true, and we find comfort that our future is secure in Heaven. Jesus, Em and other loved ones await. He has sustained us in our time of deepest need; therefore we hope to bring understanding and support to other weary, wayward souls. And may we all seek to live out this life with love and joy because life and time are precious things.
Selena
(forever Sarah and Emily's mom)
July 15,2022
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