Homecoming Message 2013

I never thought we’d be one of “those” families that would ever endure such a loss…the Club that nobody ever wants to be a part of or belong to. It was never even in my worst nightmare. Yet it happened to us and here we are in this situation. And I certainly never dreamed I would write anything to express my feelings about this journey and what this time of year brings but every year those thoughts seem to pour out of the heart of this grieving mother. I am amazed at my own strength sometimes, yet I know where that strength comes from. The same place that gives me a yearly message to convey to the many people that seem to visit EM’s site as they remEMber her… especially this time of year.

This year everywhere I turned, everything I read, everything I saw, seemed to be pointing to the word “Courage”. “Ok Lord, I guess this is maybe what I should write about huh?” I could look to a number of people that I would deem courageous and I don’t have to look far. I would hear about people that suffered losses that would be hard to fathom. People who have witnessed their whole family being murdered and have escaped and walked hundreds of miles to find refuge. Of course we’ve all read of the Holocaust survivors and the unbelievable suffering that took place in those camps for years and yet they lived, some forgave but all never forgot. There was a woman out east that lost her 3 daughters and her parents on Christmas Eve when their home went up in flames as the mother watched helplessly. And I recently read about a couple whose 3 young daughters were all killed in one horrific car crash a few years ago called the Taconic State Park accident where 7 people were killed. Tragedy seems to lurk behind every corner and you don’t have to look far to see the brokenness of this world. It takes a great deal of courage for any of us to survive I guess, and it takes more than just courage to make it but yet courage is an essential starting tool needed to sail out onto unknown and uncharted waters to find a new way of life after the former life that was once cherished is stripped away.

How do you brave and face the unknown without it? For many it is leaving all you ever knew and ever dreamed of; it’s the loss of a dream of living happily ever after. We all know that life is full of ups and downs and for the most part we can navigate through those times when life disappoints with a bit of adjusting and hunkering down and pushing through and you easily find your footing and carry on. But when your whole life has been altered, how do you swim, and which way do you even begin to kick towards when you can not see any shore in sight? The grief and the pain have left you floundering with no idea in which to turn and you are just too tired to even tread water. You find yourself vulnerable to any predator that may choose to swallow you up. You tend to float for awhile allowing your faith to be your life preserver and over time gain a bit of necessary courage (maybe even a instinctual courage because sometimes it‘s either a sink or swim mentality) and you start dog paddling in one direction hoping that you will see of glimmer of land over time that can provide a new shore, a possible new way of life, a new beginning.

We’ve all known or have heard of warriors that have shown such bravery and courage. In our own small community, I would say Eric Chase would be among many that I would label courageous. Eric was a teenager with so many opportunities when after a motorcycle accident he then found himself facing life without the use of his legs. It had to have been world shattering news for such a great kid that played multiple sports and that many loved and admired. Yet, he has been an example of such courage as he faced his limitations head on. He had the courage to swim towards a new shore by getting his college education, still making a way to go cruising on the Silver Lake sand dunes, he has competed in the Para-Olympics and has found a full life beyond the once unseen shore with a beautiful wife. Eric is a shining example of courage and has found love and a new way of life. Probably different from what he thought of….once upon a time; but he found the shore, and it’s good.

I also wrote earlier of a book I just finished reading. After losing their three daughters, they too, after almost drowning in grief, found courage along the way to become parents again. After reading their story, it really took such unbelievable bravery. They spoke of the fear that comes with welcoming another life (a few years later) after losing all of the children their once happy life had. You always live with the crippling fear that it could happen to you again…. because in reality, it once did. Also they spoke candidly of the courage it took to forgive. They had to find a way to forgive themselves for not protecting their precious young daughters (though they couldn’t have, they placed their trust in a family member) and what it took for them to forgive the driver (the girls aunt) for causing the accident. Forgiving others and yourself I believe is the most courageous thing you can do besides beginning to swim for a new unknown shore. However, in doing so you are not yet out of the darkness. There still will be storms, heavy rains and high waves yet for you to encounter. It will never be a leisurely swim. On a side note, their daughters were killed on July 26th (EM’s birthday) and their 4th daughter was born to them on October 11th, (the anniversary date that EM went Home). How crazy is that? It just shows that on any given day, life can be crushing or exuberant, both extremes. Their worst day was one of my best days, and the very worst day of our lives was the start of something beautiful and healing for them. What a difference a day can make.

Closest to home, I’ve always thought of our two daughters as being some of the most courageous people I’ve ever known. When EM was in the hospital we witnessed such unbelievable courage. How does a young girl with the world by the tail, with so much beauty and talent, and joy and love in her heart, with so much to look forward to in life, handle such news of what her life will now look like after such a debilitating injury sustained in the crash? And not to mention the several surgeries that she endured following the accident. She was such an example of grace under fire as she rEMained positive when she spoke of the things she hoped to still be able to do in her future from what we originally thought would be a wheelchair. She talked of possibly coaching volleyball in her future while in the midst of being in the process of being recruited to play college ball. She even wanted to try and get to the Homecoming game to be a part of her most favorite time of the year and be with her friends even if it meant viewing the game from an ambulance. She was kind and thankful for her care to the nurses and doctors and made an impact with them as well. She would often sweetly say to them…“Thank you for helping me” from around the ventilator tube that was helping her to breathe. She was also kind and verbally appreciative to the personnel that attended to her at the accident scene. It boggles my mind to think of the courage it took her to ultimately face and walk to the angels that had come for her knowing it would mean leaving her beloved family and friends behind and the life she loved living. She always loved her Lord Jesus, but still, it was must have took unbelievable courage for her to leave from this life that she loved to a new life of unknowns and mere promises that she had only heard about. They say that those who go never want to return. I’m sure she loves her new life. It’s what we all can only dream of and …I can only imagine! She’ll always be my hero!

Sarah is also a perfect example of bravery and has been so courageous in facing life without her sister and bestest friend. It’s a different kind of courage because it takes perseverance and never seems to end. Life thus far has had its disappointments and struggles with health diagnosis’ that would be hard to fathom and live with, but yet it is another reality in their young lives. She also has been robbed of a life that she looked forward to in spending with her sister and that of future nieces and/or nephews to be raised along side of Sar‘s own boys. Then there’s the holidays and vacations that likely would have been filled with much laughter and joy together and now trying to find and a new way of celebrating that coincides with a deep void. It really is unending and there are constant adjustments even after all this time that have to be made. However, just as God promises to be close to the broken hearted, she has also experienced God’s grace and His love in abundance with her life with Adam and their precious boys but the rEMinders are always there. Yet she walks this life out with great courage knowing that she must for the sake of her own family now and because EM would want her to! In doing so, she speaks openly of her loss to her students and every year brings it all home with a lesson on courage for their own lives. I’m sure she affects many young lives in the most positive ways that will resonate in their hearts for a very long time. The lessons learned in her classroom go much further than the mere teaching of literature. The lesson she teaches around is based on a sentence in “To Kill a Mockingbird” and it goes like this “Courage is knowing you‘re licked before you begin but you begin anyway. You rarely win but sometimes,… sometimes you do”. Sarah is truly winning and will always be a winner in our book and how blessed are we to have given life to two amazing heros! (Quite a calling on our lives it seems at times.) I’m sure she makes EM and Jesus so proud with her unwavering ability to keep pushing forward while He directs her to her own new shore that will provide her with her own unique purpose and in that a fulfillment and maybe contentment one day. But I must say, it certainly is hard for her (and hard for us to watch her) having to be courageous all the time! I believe God must have something very special for people like our Sar.

I guess I can relate to the wording in “courage is knowing you’re licked before you begin” statement. In reality, we all feel that way because we all deal with life as it is and wish it was the way it should be. But we all have the blessing of life here but the misfortune of being a part of it’s brokenness. So for us that are this side of Heaven, we all need courage to some degree. Some of us need to be brave beyond our wildest imagination. To face a new life, and look for a new dream that isn’t yet known. It’s hard to have courage when you don’t yet know which direction to start swimming towards. But whatever your lot, one thing is for sure, and the only thing that is absolute in this life is that God’s word is true. He says for us in Joshua 1:9 to be “strong and courageous and to not be afraid”. And as for me, I don’t feel strong at all and not courageous by any means. It goes on further to say “and don’t be afraid or discouraged”. Well, I am not afraid at all. We have been to the darkest pit. Nothing much scares me, not death itself. And yes, I get discouraged daily. But the verse continues with “for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go”. And in that I can rest. No matter how much I float and do not move toward the shore, or when I do swim aimlessly to a place yet unknown or discovered, I can certainly know that the little bit of courage I may have from time to time is only strengthened by Jesus and that the discouragement we feel this side of Heaven is only temporary. In the midst of all these feelings and the places we travel, whether to the mountaintop or to the grimy, slippery pit, take COURAGE!

For God has certainly been faithful! He was with our EM 8 years ago when she breathed her last breath and her heart pumped one last time. He was with our family then too and never has He left our sides. He was with us when all was dark and only pain was felt. He was with me when she was being formed in my body and every day of those 16 precious years that she spent with us. He has been with our family since she’s left us and He has stayed close to this broken hearted family. He continues to be with the grieving mother who writes this 8th Homecoming Message…. and forever He will be with us….and He will be with you too!

Take Courage, Take Heart, Take Faith and Take Hope with you wherever you go for Heaven Awaits! It’s where we are finally at Home and where we have arrived at the shore that we’ve always longed for.

Our love to all of you who visit this site and for always remEMbering!

Jeff and Selena Duits